Acceptance

The Serenity Prayer.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can’t change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”  Reinhold Niebuhr

No worries people, I’ve not joined a 12 step program. Nor have I finally embraced organized religion. I’ve known this quote a good long time and it’s probably at least familiar to most of you. Well, it makes an awful lot of sense, dont you think?

I’ve found the same sentiment in Mother Goose nursery rhyme format for those of you who are not so Alcoholics Anonymous inclined:

For every ailment under the sun

There is a remedy, or there is none;

If there be one, try to find it;

If there be none, never mind it.  

What wonderful words to live your life by. I guess the tough part of living your life by these words is the wisdom part, the trying to find the remedy. At what point do you definitively decide you absolutely know the difference and/or stop trying to find the remedy? That’s the question of the ages isn’t it?

In my view, it’s about acceptance. Deciding that things are not really within your power to change and you are done searching for a remedy. Accepting you’ve done absolutely everything you can to change what you can and seriously making the decision to move on with your life.

Sometimes it’s hard to move on though. When you feel so much hope that things can change or maybe you want them to change so badly, you might continue to trudge blindly forward. You continue to hope and maybe even think you see progress, but it ends up all going back to the way it was. Then what do you do? You continue in the same pattern hoping that things will be different this time. Seeing other subtle things change, hoping that one little thing will make the difference this time, only to be let down again. You begin to feel responsible for the problem, own it, make it your own and next thing you know it’s killing you.

If it’s really your problem to fix, your remedy to find then by all means, keep moving forward. But if it’s not, accept that it isn’t and move on. Be true to yourself, honest with yourself and don’t take full responsibility for something you have no control over.

Give up hope? No way. Accept the reality of the situation? Absolutely.

Make peace with it, knowing that maybe someday things may change, but it will be up to someone else, or the powers that be.

Accept it. Can you?

the small stuff…

I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “Don’t sweat the small stuff,” at least once  in your lifetime. There is even a book series by Richard Carlson, PHD dedicated to not sweating it. The idea being, don’t get sucked into the little dramas in your life, let them go so you can focus on the bigger more important things going on. For the most part, I’d like to say I don’t sweat the small stuff. When I feel that things are generally headed in the right direction, I let things happen how they will. I tend to go with the flow. I don’t freak out until there is really something to freak out about.

I’m feeling rather flowly lately. Feeling in tune, if not nearly one with the powers that be in the universe. No I’m not myself omniscient (infinitely wise), but I’m feeling like I am headed with the flow, recognizing signs along the way the remind me about the path I’m on, and able to anticipate things so my life is relatively calm. Well, let’s not be crazy, as calm as my life can be now that my boys, aged nearly 5 and 9, are out of school and home all day with me!

There is a line or two out of my one of my favorite series books- The Fever Series by Karen Marie Moning, that speaks to the whole idea of going with the flow. The character Ryodan says to Mackayla:

“Bit of advice, Mac. Life’s an ocean, full of waves. All are dangerous. All can drown you. Under the right circumstances, even the gentlest swell can turn tidal. Hopping waves is for the weekend warrior. Choose one, ride it out. It increases your odds of survival.”

Once you’ve set things into motion, let it ride and see where it takes you. Just because you’ve chosen one path doesn’t mean that others are eternally closed off to you. I feel like if something is meant to happen, it will come back one way or another. Sometimes you have to surrender control, or better recognize those things you have no control over and go with it. Stop trying to fight the current at every turn or second guess what decisions you’ve already made, forcing you to back paddle.

I know what it is to want something. To set a goal and work hard to get there. I’ve done it more than a few times in my life and sometimes you have setbacks and roadblocks or you change your mind or change course and it can be frustrating not seeing the end in sight. Sometimes though, you must trust that things are happening for a reason. Sometimes you must believe that you’ve set your course properly and ride the wave and see where it takes you.

There will be times when people will watch you do whatever it is you’re doing and they won’t get it. They’ll question you and get frustrated with you, maybe even try to sabotage you (knowingly or not). You must stay focused and realize that not everyone is going to get what your doing. Nor do they need to understand on any level why it is you’re doing what you’re doing. As long as you know why you’re doing it and you’re focused (or HB = HellBent like me) on doing it, that is ultimately what matters.

Wow, rambling huh? Lots of stuff in my brain today so I’ll give you some examples.

I’ve cut out all sugar, flour and most starch from my diet. YIkes! What am I eating then?? Lean protein, fruits, veggies, yogurt, hummus,  and sometimes rice. Not many people get it. These are the questions and comments I get: Why would anyone subject themselves to that?? Why don’t you just eat in moderation? I could never stop eating bread! No chocolate? You won’t even eat your kid’s birthday cake? Why don’t you incorporate at least one cheat day, or even a cheat meal?  Blah, blah, blah.

I have tried every diet out there. I’ve done weight watchers, Atkins, South Beach, etc. What kills me every time is adding sugar and bread back into my diet. I have  a little bit and it turns into a nasty binge of junk that just isn’t good for me. Food controlled me, it was like a drug and I was seriously out of control. I had this sense of entitlement about food and was angry that I couldn’t just eat what I wanted when I wanted to. I burnt 500-800 calories a day running or circuit training or cycling, I deserve a treat right? What’s one Taco Bell meal? What’s one coke? What’s one ice cream? The problem is that it wasn’t ever just one. The Taco Bell snowballed into the coke and the ice cream and that started happening every day. Even when I ate at home, I didn’t just overeat the junk, but meals in general…a 10 0z. portion of spaghetti with garlic bread, or a steak and a loaded baked potato with bread, and then dessert after either of those! I felt like I was eating “normally” but really, the portions were huge and/or calorie laden and none of it fueled my body like I needed it fueled for as much or as hard as I was working out.

For those of you who know me, I’m generally swimming/biking/running all year- sometimes indoors- in addition to boot camp/crossfit training in the Triathlon off season. It’s hard work. Ridiculously hard work. There are some days my muscles were so fatigued I could hardly make it up and down stairs or even sit down to pee!! Fueling with junk wasn’t cutting it and I had to choose. I liked the way my body felt- when I wasn’t sore anyway!- and how it was toning up but I wanted the energy behind me to back me up.

Early April of this year I started eating simply and cleanly and as of today I am down nearly 35 lbs. People don’t get why I had to give up what I have, and I don’t really get why either, but that’s just how my body is and I’ve accepted it. My body doesn’t process that stuff well so I just can’t have it. I’m not saying that I won’t ever have a cookie or ice cream or bread again, but not until I hit my goal (another 35 lbs) will I revisit the thought.

Cutting all the junk out has rid me of ALL cravings. I don’t “jones” for anything anymore. I get a taste for things, like an apple with peanut butter, or a greek salad with grilled chicken or a banana with a hint of green on the peel. I’ve had no trouble walking away from pizza or toast or sweets. I made brownies and cookies for the school bake sale two weeks ago and resisted licking the bowl. Granted I couldn’t have done that week one of this, but I can now because I’m in control. I like this feeling and wonder if when I hit my goal, I will feel the risk of giving up that control will be worth the cookie or bread or ice cream I might give myself permission to consume.

So no matter what you’re doing, people might not get it, or think you’re crazy for doing it, what matters is if you believe in what you’re doing. Set your course, don’t over-correct or hyper-analyze  and just do it already!

A warm up…

So what I’d really love to be doing right now is a complete and coherent revision of my book. But I’ve go so much crap floating around in my head and am having trouble starting, so here I am blogging, getting the crap out of my head and essentially warming up.

So sorry I’m subjecting you to my blathering today…but my blathering generally rambles on to some tidbit of wisdom, so you may as well  be patient, stick with me for a little while. Won’t you?

I love music and I am enjoying giving my boys exposure to all kinds of music, what I consider their music education. I was not one of those parents who only put “kid music” on in their car for their kids. The nursery rhymes and sing song-y stuff generally drove me nuts and if we were driving nearly 3 hours across the state to see my mom, I was going to enjoy the ride too!

So yes my boys listen to (nearly) everything I do : From the Beastie Boys to Norah Jones, the Black Keys to Adele, Led Zepplin and Rage Against the Machine to Bach and Astor Piazolla, Bob Marley, Pearl Jam, Norah Jones, Stevie Ray Vaughn, and so much more. There isn’t much I won’t listen to though I tend to lean to the Alternative side of music over pop or anything else. I can’t wait until they get to highschool and someone pulls out their parents Led Zepplin or Pearl Jam and says “you have to listen to this!” and they’ll already know it!

I guess I want music to evoke the same sense of feeling for them as it does for me. I love the way music can put me in a mood or sustain it, make me want to dance or fight or run or write. I also want them to love books like I do, but I think it was highschool before I really fell in love with books, so on that front I’ll encourage and keep reading to them until they pick up a big ole’ book on their own and read until they fall asleep every night like I do!

I love REI. Took my bike in for tune up earlier this season and they didn’t mess around or over charge me for parts, merely fixed my bike up and made it ready for my season and it has never rode more smoothly.

My bike, pretty huh? —>

 So I noticed a hole in my tire this weekend…not through to the tube though and needed some advice on whether to replace or not. It would have been an easy sale for them to advise me to replace both tires, but they didn’t. They gave me the info I needed and let me decide if I felt comfortable riding on it and based on where the hole is- off to the side not on the center of the tread- I do feel okay riding on it. When I think I do need new tires, I WILL be going back to them. Also, I had to return some running socks because I bought the wrong size…they’d been washed, had no packaging and I didn’t have a receipt…they didn’t give me any hassle about the exchange! By the way, Smart Wool PhD running socks are the bomb!

Speaking of running, this is Taper Week #2 for me. For those of you unfamiliar with the word Taper, that is generally a week of lighter training (triathlon training for me) due to an upcoming race. I generally wouldn’t taper for longer than a week, but I have two races a week apart. I raced the Motor City Triathon this past Sunday and will be racing the Big Fish Triathlon this Sunday. Crazy huh? Yeah, maybe a little, I hear that happens in old age. 😉 But I’ve done it for the past four years, may as well do it a fifth! The bike guy at REI called Jill and I those “Crazy Triathlon People” and I was proud to field that label. Hell yes I’m one of those Crazy Triathon People…drink the kool-aid  people…it’s GOOD. And better yet, it’s good for you.

It’s hard for me to hold back though. To only lift half the weight I know I can so I won’t be too sore to go hard on the swim come race day. To not run 3 or 4 miles three times this week so my legs and IT bands don’t seize up on me as I’m flying (well, flying for me anyway) toward the finish line. It takes discipline and some good friends to keep you from doing anything dumb. After this weekend I can be as dumb as I want and I’m thinking that will include a whole lot of pullups, pushups, throwdowns and running…and definitely some mountain biking!

I’m missing the trails, need to try out Hubby’s “old” Gary Fisher…I’m taking it since he doesn’t use it and I had to use a 10 year old Schwinn for my last race. It’s about time I had a nice piece of equipment to haul me over roots and wind through trees. Lesson learned from Toni though…know the bike you’re going to use on the trail otherwise you’ll end up ass over applecart and lying in the dirt with a possibly dislocated shoulder, your husband nowhere to be seen and your friend looking over you wondering if MedFlight will see us through the trees! <chuckles> it wasn’t funny then…but now, well yeah,  it kind of is. 😉 I give you full permission to laugh at me when I wipe out too…because I most certainly will!

Alright I think I’m done rambling…just a little more I think.

Things I am absolutely loving right now:

• Ranier Cherries- sweet not tart like bing!
• swimming laps in the outdoor pool at Lifetime Fitness
• 70 degree weather
• The song April Fool by Manchester Orchestra and Calm Like a Bomb by Rage against the Machine and Better Off by the Foo Fighters
• Triple Tall Latte made by Biggby
• my “I ❤ two a days”  UnderArmor work out shirt
• Chicken Greek Salads at my local diner

There’s a whole lot more, but that’s it for now.

Have a good one!

 

 

 

 

 

Learning Curve

You know I kinda just fell into this whole writing thing, right? Kind of like I fall into fashion sometimes…prime examples being my Ed Hardy shoes and my Kathy bag…I had NO clue what I was buying when I got either!!

So I’ve fallen into writing, fell in love with it, floundered around with it and with some persistence and excellent feedback I’ve created a wonderful story that I believe a whole lot of people would love to read. So I should just get published right? Not exactly.

I think I’ve explained the process of querying, etc before- short version is I write a description of my book (essentially what the query is) to snag an agent, so they can snag a publisher and they sell my book. So I’ve sent out a number of queries and received rejections on all of them but one…which I am still waiting to hear from. I read everything I could on the right way to query, followed submission instructions of the agents I’ve submitted to all to no avail. I was feeling rather lost about the whole thing with no clue what I was doing wrong, and then I start wonndering is it that my writing is that horrible?

Days after receiving a couple of rejections, I receive an e-mail from Writers Digest advertising a Webinar on writing a great query, which was ironically being run by one of the agents who had rejected mine! It felt like a sign to me, if not a smack upside the head! The price was reasonable, both kids would be at school, the agent would do a line by line critique of your query and she was going to answer ALL of our questions. It couldn’t have been a more timely opportunity!

The webinar was fantastic, the agent was so informative and approachable and since I’ve been following her on Twitter, she’s announced more events where she’ll answer questions. So the cloudcover has parted and I have begun to see the light with regards to this process. FINALLY! I feel like I have a clue and I’m not walking around so blindly.

So this week I received my critiqued query. No request for actual pages of my work <sigh> but at least now I know why! Her comments coupled with the questions I and others had asked during the webinar gave me all the direction I needed and I’m feeling like this go around will be successful!

What do I have to do now? In three words: rewrite my book. <Gasp!> It’s not as bad as it seems, I’m not rewriting from scratch, more like editing once again. And really isn’t rewriting/editing essentially the life of a writer anyway? This is what I signed up for and honestly I’m happy to do it! Well, I’d really rather it were just ready to be published, but I know now that it’s not and that’s why i’ve not received much good response.

Last night I went to my local 24-hr Starbucks (isn’t that so awesome! Thanks for the tip Jill!) and sat down to re-read and outline my book as it is, so I can effectively flag and get to work on the parts that need to be fixed. I hate to brag, but I was really enjoying the re-read, getting to know my characters as they start out again and seeing how they handle the adversity that challenges them. The fact that I can re-read it again for the umpteenth time and still really like what I’ve written has to mean something right?

Well I certainly hope so! So book 2 is on hold (I did tell you I’m 2/3 finished writing the sequel right?) until I get book 1 squared away again and re-queried. I’m optimistic (when aren’t I though, really?) and pretty happy and just doing what I can to get some uninterrupted time with my computer. I just hope my husband and kids don’t hate me when this is all said and done!

Paying it forward…

Five years ago (this weekend actually) I completed my very first triathlon. I had just had my second son Benjamin when some friends brought up the idea of doing a triathlon. My interest was piqued and although I was far from athlete material (I swam competitively in highschool 15 years prior!) I decided it was something I needed to do.

At 240 lbs, 3 months post partum I started training. I picked up a couple of books on triathlon that might give me some pointers to figure out what I needed to do. One book in particular spoke to me: “Slow Fat Triathlete” by Jayne Williams. Reading about what she could do and how welcoming and accessible the triathlon community had been in her experience let me believe that I could actually maybe do this too! Maybe I’d be walking my bike up the big hills, but I could finish. Maybe I’d end up walking a good portion of the run, but I could finish. I might come in dead last, but I could finish. The point being, I’d finish!!

So what happened that sunny day in June 2007? I finished! And I didn’t even come in last! All along the way during the race, other triathletes would say encouraging words: “You got this!” or “Not much farther!” or “You can do it!” “The finish is just around the corner, can you hear the cheering?” Everytime someone cheered me on, it made me go faster, harder and I wholeheartedly believed I would finish and I had a damn good time doing it.

The best part? During the run when a 70 year old man passes me, saying “Keep it up, good job!” I look at the markings on his legs as he passes (the backs of your calves are marked with your age and which race your doing “S=Sprint and O= Olympic”) and he’s doing the Olympic which is more than twice the distance I am doing. A 70 year old man!! Passes me going twice the distance!! I knew for sure then that if he could finish then I sure as hell was going to too!! And I did! The next weekend, I did the same damn thing all over again at a different venue but experienced all the same things and even finished a minute or two quicker!

This was the beginning of my self discovery. The beginning of living my life on my terms with no boundaries, no limits, there wasn’t anything I couldn’t do! In five years since I’ve learned more about my body working with trainers and nutritionists, finished more than 15 triathlons, countless 5k and 10k races, and one half-marathon. I’m by no means elite, but for me it’s been more about the journey, having fun and seeing how far I can push myself! It gave me a confidence in myself that I had never experienced before.

Somehow along the way though, I’ve unknowingly inspired some people to believe they could do some things too, and I’ve seen them finish triathlons and run races too! What I found simply amazing is how much I have loved watching my inspired friends meet their goals! It makes me feel so good to have in some little way planted a seed in their minds that they could do something that they previously thought they couldn’t. I know absolutely how good it feels to smash through a goal and what a boost it give you! So I regularly re-create that for myself and will take every opportunity to encourage others to do it too.

So as I reflect on these things I realize that I would have never met my goals without the encouragement of others along the way. They, like me, may not have realized they were encouraging at the time, but the result is the same and I will be forever thankful those people. These people and my own hard work really helped me discover myself, recognize how strong I am and I am really happy with the person I have become and the things I am doing in my life right now and I know there are even better things to come around the corner.

The moral of this post? You never know how a random comment or positive words of advice or even your actions can influence others! So be positive and pay it forward when you can. This stuff comes full circle and you’ll be amazed at what comes back to you- Karma, believe it.

Words of Wisdom

Did a lot of online reading this weekend (of other writerly blogs and such) and I’m finding the more I delve into my writer lifestyle the more I discover about myself.

 For a very long time I didn’t feel like I had a whole lot of direction in life. Yes, I followed the road my parents hoped I’d follow: college for Bachelor and Master degrees, marriage, kids and the like, but once I’d done all that I felt empty. Almost as if I had been living my life for someone else, playing within someone else’s set of rules, walking a path blindly. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life, my family and I’ll never regret taking the road that made me who I am today. But who I am today is SO much different than who I was even five years ago. I feel like I am in sync with the universe and seeing opportunities present themselves and acting on them when I do. It is almost as if I’m finally on my own path, one made for me and only me, so I can discover and explore my own wants, needs and capabilities. It’s as if the universe has converged in front of me and I feel so purpose driven, HELLBENT for lack of a better term, to be a published writer.

So as many of you may know, a couple of months ago or so, I finished my first novel. A huge accomplishment as it started as a random post on a forum my friends Phenom1984 and Pgoodness had going nearly 8 years ago. I was no where near as serious about writing then as I am now, only writing here and there with no real idea of what I doing. Now I write nearly every opportunity I have a chunk of uninterrupted time!

So here I am, book completed and a sequel nearly half done and you’re wondering when I’ll be published so you can buy and read my wonderful book. Yeah, me too! So here’s how it goes: Author completes book, writes query letter to hook agent, agent agrees to represent you in working deal with publisher. The trick though is to hook the agent. Without the agent, you’re essentially a nobody trying to get the attention of people that won’t listen. Though self-publishing is also an option, it’s not one I’m willing to consider right now. 

I’ve sent out a number of query letters, received a number of rejections and I am still waiting to hear back on a couple before I send the next round out. It can be such a disheartening process, receiving rejection after rejection, though I must say the agencies I’ve queried must realize how fragile us writers can be. The rejections let us down so gently I don’t feel I need to quit or resort to posting my entire manuscript for free on the internet. However, I find myself questioning my writing and even the time I spend in front of my computer: Is my writing good enough? Should I be using this time to dust off my resume for a “real” job? Everything in my heart tells me I am good, though I can always be better and that this is already my real job.

As I read blog posts by Liane Moriarty and Miranda Kenneally  I found that they had plenty of words of wisdom for the likes of me and other fledgling writers. The things they had to say actually could apply to anyone following their dream, not just writers, but especially writers. The key theme was that of persistence and belief in yourself. Keep writing, even if you feel like it’s crap, who knows where that crap will lead you. Believe your book will fit somewhere and keep querying until it does- or consider editing your book to make it more interesting. Bottom line is, keep writing, don’t give up. So that is exactly what I intend to do! Keep writing, getting feedback and putting myself out there!!

So whatever dream you’re following, it isn’t stupid or a waste of your time if it makes you happy, so go for it! You’ll have plenty of people along the way make you doubt yourself or try to steer you in another direction. No one but you needs to get why you’re doing something that makes you happy. My dad gave me some good advice once with regards to finding a job and deciding on a career, he said “Find something you like to do and do it well.” Simply stated but completely true.

In other news, soon I’ll have my own website which I’m hoping will be cool! It will link to my Blog and other blogs I read, have sample pages or excerpts of my books, a possible calendar of events of things going on in my life and a list of some of my very favorite things…Like Smart Wool PHD running socks and Bath & Body Works Eucalyptus Spearmint sugar scrub. Stuff you’re dying to know about, I know!! 😉

Have a great day everyone!

Daredevils

Based on a real life experience…

Daredevils

“Do it, Amy,” Stephanie urges, “Go on.”

“No, you go first,” I say, voice wavering.

“It’s no big deal,” Stephanie says taking a long last drag on her cigarette. She flicks the butt through the open space of the train tressel we are standing on. We watch it fall down toward the water and disappear.

“What if a train comes?” I look warily side to side at the train tracks.

“What does it matter, we’re going to jump anyway,” Stephanie says inpatiently, “Wait, you’re not wussing out are you?”

“No,” I say defensively, “I’m not wussing out.”

“Look, I’ve done it before, tons of times. You just step off the edge, keep your arms to your sides like this and go straight in. No biggie, right?”

“Right,” I mutter.

“Well go on,” Stephanie says.

“”How high is it?”

“Jesus,” Stephanie says in exasperation, “You really are a chickenshit. I’ll go first, then.”

I watch Stephanie step to the edge and peer down at the murky green water. The wind picks up her hair and for a moment it floats all around her like an angel. She steps off the edge and quietly plummets into the water with a splash. Within moments she is back up at the surface of the water.

“Come on down!” Stephanie laughs.

I look down at Stephanie, she looks so small. How can she laugh right now?  A long, whining train whistle sounds in the distance and my heartbeat immediately quickens. The panic builds within me, I have no choice now.

“Come on Amy! The train is coming!”

I take a deep breath and step off the edge. I open my mouth to scream but am incapable of making a sound. I fall like a stone, everything around me smearing into a blur as I drop. The water hits my feet and I realize too late I am not holding my arms against my sides, they smack against the water. I gasp at the instant pain only to inhale water in the process. I am under the green water for what seems an eternity, kicking and clawing my way to the bright surface. My head bobs out of the water and I am choking and coughing but I am okay.

“Come on, this way!” Stephanie calls.

I mindlessly stroke following Stephanie’s lead to the shore. Holy shit! Did I really just jump off that bridge?

“How did that feel?” Stephanie asks.

I could think of a number of different ways to answer that question. Elated. Euphoric. Amazingly stupid. Ready to throw up.

“It was cool,” I said calmly, “Pretty cool.”

*   *   *

My new blog

Hey there! Welcome to my new blog!

In an effort to put myself out there as an honest to goodness writer who’s quite serious about turning this “hobby” into a career, I’m starting a new blog. I’ve blogged in the past but it has been more of an online journal for myself, rather than to actually share with anyone else.

So my plan and purpose for this blog are to: 1) get some writing done, if only a little everyday, in an effort to generate ideas for further writing and to inspire feedback in order to hone my craft; 2) help create some buzz about my writing and about myself as a writer since people are increasingly apt to use the web as a tool for entertainment and fact-finding; and 3)  entertain or otherwise allow you (and me) to escape for a few minutes of your day.

Most of the writing I do here will be what I might consider snippets. Simple pieces of imagery or dialogue or poetry, perhaps a piece of my day. It will be enough take you somewhere else, if only for a moment. If I get on a roll though, there could be a series of connected snippets that might just turn into a short story or if I’m lucky an entire book!(We’ll see about that!)

So please feel free to comment on anything I’ve written here, whether you liked it or not, what you would have done differently or not, if it evoked any kind of emotion, memory, sensation or not. No holds barred here, I welcome what you have to say!

So for my first entry a comment on the weather:

It’s hot. It’s fucking hot. The sweat is dripping down the back of my neck into my shirt and sliding down my back. Each drop tickles as it runs down the length of my spine, but I’m not laughing. I’m pissed. I’m sticky, uncomfortable and all I really want to do empty the entire contents of my freezer onto my naked body or better yet, climb into the freezer itself.

But I don’t. I sit and I write as I listen to whining hum of the box fan in the corner of the room and the deeper whirring of the attic fan as it works to pull the minutely cooler, outdoor air into my house. I feel a slight breeze, but not enough to cool me much. I pause and watch droplets of condensation run down my poppy red water bottle that is filled with ice and grape flavored Propel. I lick my parched lips, take a swig of the artificially flavored drink and set the bottle back down on top of the ring of water that has sweated onto the wooden side table.

A tiny flying bug of some kind bounces off my forhead, jarring my attention from the bottle and it dipsy-doodles to the lamplight beside me, bonging itself repeatedly off of the shade. Stupid bug. What is it after? What does it think the light is anyway? Food? Heaven?

In this moment I am happy to be human, to be conscious and aware rather than single minded and oblivious, even if I am hot and sweaty and uncomfortable. I can create, evoke, feel and emote, I have purpose in one way or another. I have free will tempered by opportunities or fear. Where in the hell are these deep thoughts coming from?

I realize it’s after 1:30AM and I had at least three cups of coffee after dinner with D tonight. That explains it. Only I could go from hot and sweaty to consciousness and free will, segued by bugs in a matter of sentences. Well, maybe my dad could have.<chuckles> I crack myself up. Probably too often, because really, I’m not that funny. 😉

Night all.